DATING GAME ON OUR COMMUNITY

JUST FOR FUN.........

KIKUYU WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. - Uwongo. First date they want to know who your father is, if he has a ‘mugunda’ and if your mother drives a pick-up. They are not into dinners.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner and maybe buy wine online within Nairobi for them  –This happens after date Number three when she has verified the chooms. She will have given you sex on date two, and this date is to ANNOUNCE TO YOU that you are getting married soon. Meanwhile you are outnumbered by six Kuyos to one. Her uncle suddenly surfaces and you are suddenly being referred to as ‘Muthoniwa’.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you! - only if you run as fast as you can. Kama una chapaa, umeshikwa Ngwee.


LUO WOMAN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Haiwezekani. Hata busu hutapata. You will buy whisky online from Dial A Drink Kenya na kama hauna visha (VISA) card ya kulipa, you will not see her again. If she is not dropped home in a taxi, you will not see her again. If you get drunk and leer at the opposition- you will never see her again. If you suggest that you want to keep her handbag for her as she goes to the loo (Kisiis do this) you will never see her again.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. – She will come with ‘mai kasin sista’ to check you out. If you are not dressed as she had sold you to the clan – they will go to the loo and disappear and leave you there. If you cannot speak ‘ingliss with an akshent mar Britiss’ you will never see her again. If her cousin does not approve of you on this date you are done. You will not get to hold her hand wacha a KISH .

Sixth Date: She will agree to come to ‘that your house’. If it is a servant’s quarter in Upper Hill, hauna bahati. Utalala fofofo bila kitu. Those strong legs can hold against any attempts. Kama uko na house somewhere in Buru with a mushik shystem with Franco’s music na unajua foreplay means having some Amarula in the house ama ucall Dial A Drink Kenya wakuletee hadi kwa hao, utawai.

Tenth Date: She will have moved in, panty and bra at a  time.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Uwongo, by this time when you want she says, ‘Dhi tug kucha, ok an nyathi wadu’. (Nenda ucheze huko mimi sio mtoto mwenzako.)



LUHYA WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. She keeps giggling and saying, “Baane, you ara spenting’I so much money. We would have drung dee ati our place, wooie”.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her mom makes Ugali and Ingokho. Uwongo, not so fast. Her brothers will have smoozed you for drinks for a three month period calling you ‘shemechi’. They will have invited ou for a binge at Nairobi West Jeans par after footpol and drunk all our chapaa. You will discover all well known Luhyas are her cousins etc.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3 carat ring. – Tena, if it is not there, you might not get released from the Full Nelson you will find ourself in.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex. She is saved, secretary of your children’s school PTA, tresurer of the local church of God, knits sweaters, drinks copious amounts of dee, has developed a pot and her hair is permanently in curly kit. She suddenly espouses celibacy or feigns frigidity. She begins to call you, ‘Daddy’.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. A small kuyo girl who constantly calls you by your Rugby nickname of twenty years ago and can accept to be had in a lodging.



MERU WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.



SOMALI WOMAN:

First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all your assets. Uwongo. You ensure that your passport is valid.

Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along.

Third Date: She claims she’s a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.

Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You’re rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.



KAMBA WOMAN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Guiness, have sex in the back of her car. She gets you in trouble with all the screaming, ‘Asiiiiii, mai ngod, nget seliousiiiii, you harra ndoing hit so hand. Ndonti stoooop. Haki a ngai!

Second Date: She is pregnant.

Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Machakos. Her younger sister is looking at you suggestively.



KISII WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home. She gave you the wrong address.

Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.

Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.



KALENJIN WOMAN:

First Date: You get to kiss her goodnight. She tells you that Moi is her uncle, Kipkulei is her cousin, Biwott is her godfather and Ziporrah Kitonni is her aunt and that if you dog her the special branch will have your balls.

Second Date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third Date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. She lets you check if the spellings of your family name on the wedding card has been spelt correctly.



MAASAI WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second Date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.

Third Date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.



INDIAN WOMAN:

First Date: Meet her parents.

Second Date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third Date: Wedding night.


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TYPES OF WIVES -

1 - Party Wife

These are women who

•  Are very mobile and very sociable
•  They are always attending one function after the other (every wedding, bridal and shower, kitchen top up, office functions etc)
• Are barely at home on weekends to have time with their husbands and family
• Can spend family food money on gifts and online liqour stores

2 - Dictionary Wife

These are women who

• Don’t take suggestions: the way she thinks is the way it is
• The way she knows is the way it is to be maintained – no changes
• Very orderly and became very angry when things are misplaced in their home set-up

3 - Pampered Wife

These are women who

• Very spoiled by their parents (normally from rich parents or their the only girl in the family of many boys)
• They are lazy, hardly do household work
• Love spending money shopping trivial girlish things and expensive drinks and are are known to be loyal customers of drinks delivery services
• Sees their husband like a houseboy

4 - Office Wife

These are women who

• Career minded that their family does not matter.
• Are always using their career as an excuse of not being at home for their family
• They don’t respect their husbands and it makes educated women look bad
•  Think a husband is not important because they can support themselves

5 - Patient Wife

These are women who

•  * Always look like they are sick and down trodden
•  * Love to complain on everything (husband, children, relatives even weather)
• * Are always afraid and live in anxiety

6 - Headmistress Wife

These are women who

•  * Make themselves in-charge of the family even when the husband is a sole provider of the home
•  * Treat everyone as a child including their husband and visitors
•  * Are very questionable and will punish their husbands for any trivial things

7 - Boxing Wife

These are women who

•  * Are very offensive and sometimes can be violent
• * They like shouting and they are nagging
• * Believe in fire for fire

8 - Dust bin Wife

These are women who

• * They are very dirty and unkempt
• * Very unorganized and confused
•  * Very lazy at everything expect gossiping and eating
•  * Leaves everything to their servants or their children

9 - Security Wife

These are women who

• * Very protective of their husband
• * Very jealous, every woman seen as a threat
• * Sees husbands friends as bad company
•  * Don’t let anyone discipline their child even a teacher
•  * Husband family and friends and workmates are scared of her

10 - Good Wife

• These are women who
• * Virtuous wife (Proverbs 31)
• * Caring, loving and very smart
•  * Very helpful, they can even handle husband’s business in his absence
• * Provide spiritual guidance to the children
• * Very understanding and full of self-esteem

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.

10 commandments of marriage

COMMANDMENT 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so are thunder and lightning.


COMMANDMENT 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


COMMANDMENT 3
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.



COMMANDMENT 4
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you
can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.


COMMANDMENT 5
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


COMMANDMENT 6
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say. After marriage, he
will fall asleep before you finish.


COMMANDMENT 7
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the
law allows only one wife.


COMMANDMENT 8
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

COMMANDMENT 9
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..


BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY (10)
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a
penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then
smiled and said, "Hey!...This thing really works!"

SMS THREAD DIFF BTWN A GIRL AND A BOYS

THE DISCREPANCY BETWEEN A GIRL'S MOBILE PHONE AND A GUY'S MOBILE PHONE A GIRL'S SMS THREAD:

GIRL'S SMS THREAD
Kamaa I LOVE U... .
Michael HI BABIE...
M-PESA BK556 HJ CONFIRMED YOU HAVE RECEIVED KSH2500 FROM KAMAU
Mato Can I take you out tonight ...
... ... M-PESA Confirmed
Kamaa I miss u babie
M-PESA Confirmed.. ..
Matara: Hi swite...
Mum: Don't stay out past 7.00 pm!
M-PESA Confirmed
Anto mmwhaaa
M-PESA Confirmed.. .

MESSAGES ON A GUY'S SMS THREAD:
Safaricom(you have insuffiecient credit please top-up)
Safaricom(ksh50 has been deducted to repay your okoa jahazi)
Agent(Wewe punda.Lipa nyumba)
Safaricom :Your Daily Mobile Internet renewal has failed due to insufficient funds, Please topup and dial *544 #
Safaricom(ksh50 has been deducted to repay your okoa jahazi)
Safaricom(you have insuffiecient credit please top-up)
Jane : I missed my periods I think am pregnant
Safaricom(welcome to safaricom uwezo tariff)
mama mboga( me nakupenda shana.kunja kwangu)
Safaricom(ksh50 has been deducted to repay your okoa jahazi)
Njoki (Nonsense.Nimeku dump.Its over.)
Safaricom(ksh50 has been deducted to repay your okoa jahazi)
Caro (Please nisambazie)
Safaricom(please tag your pics on safaricom niko naswagg juu uko down)
Wanja (Unanipeleka date when?)
Failed. There is not enough money in your M-PESA account to buy Ksh50.00 airtime. Your M-PESA balance is Ksh45.00
Safaricom :Your data bundle balance is below 1.0 MB.Browse the internet at 2/- a minute. SMS the word ON to 142 to activate.

Interesting Facts

-If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.
-To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over two million individual flowers.
-Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by Bayer.
-Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!
-People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.
-Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
-Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.
-Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
-The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!
-Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.
-The night of January 20 is 'Saint Agnes's Eve', which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.
-Google is the common name for a number with a million zeros.
-It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
-Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.
-Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
-If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
-Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.
-Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
-Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
-The song, Auld Lang Synge, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year.
-Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
-Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F.
-The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
-Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
-The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
-Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
-The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
-The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
-In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
-Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
-The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
-Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
-The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
-If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
-When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
-In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
-Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
-Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
-The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
-The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
-Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
-Mickey Mouse is known as 'Topolino' in Italy...
-Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
-Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
-For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
-The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

Ladies - learn to trust your partner

A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife got
a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need
for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

so he took his Batman costume (mask) and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without
pain, and, as it was still early,
decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her
costume was, she thought she would have some fun by
watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him

She put on a Goldilocks costume (mask). So she joined
the party and soon spotted her husband enjoying
himself on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
woman he cuddled and occasionally giving a little kiss
here and there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive
woman herself, his husband left his new partner
devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he
wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After some more drinking he finally whispered a little
proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
went to one of the cars and had quick s3x in the back
seat.

She slipped away before unmasking herself or her
husband and went home and put her costume (mask) away
and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation
he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she
asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you’re not there. "

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I tell you, I never even danced one
dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and
some other guys, so we went into the spare room and
played darts all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman
costume playing darts all night!" She said with
unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my
Batman costume to your Dad who seemed to have had a
jolly good time on the dance floor. Am told that he
was seen by Frank taking a prostitute in a Goldilocks
outfit out for a few minutes. Don’t ask me what they
did; you know your dad still wants to behave like a
kid."

What would
You do if you were her.

Murphy's Laws

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.


To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.


The road to success??.. Is always under construction.


Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.


In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.



All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.





Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.




Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.




If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.




You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.




Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.




As soon as you mention something.. if it is good, it is taken.. If it is bad, it happens.




He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.


If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.


Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.


When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.


If you have paper, you don't have a pen... If you have a pen, you don't have paper... if you have both, no one calls.


You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.


The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.


After a long wait for citi hoppa, two citi hoppa buses will always pull in together ,and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.


If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.


Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

"Where's Mom and dad?"

A little boy came down for breakfast one
morning and asked his grandma, "Where's
Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in
bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate
his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his
grandma "where's Mom and Dad?"and she
replied "they're still up in bed." Again the
little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch
and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once
again he asked his grandma "where's Mom
and dad?" and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed." The little boy started
to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What
gives?

Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you
start to laugh! What is going on here?" The
little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came
into my bedroom and asked me for the
Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Women friends chatting in the office

Women friends chatting in the office:

Woman 1: Sasa dear I had a fine evening how was yours?

Woman 2: Huh! It was a disaster. My husband came home,
ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes.
how was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! my husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner.
after dinner we walked for a hour.
When we came home he lit candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. it was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: is how... How was your evening you guy?

Husband 2: Great my guy. manze I came home.
Dinner was on the table,
I ate and fell asleep.
It was great! what about you?

Husband 1: you guy It was horrible. I came home there was no dinner because they cut the electricity I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity, so I had to light candles all over the house! after all I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Husband 1: eeh izza jo..

Insane Facts

1. Henry Ford never had a driver’s license.
2. When a giraffe’s baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.
3. Malaysians protect their babies from disease by bathing them in beer.
4. Pigs can become alcoholics.
5. Giraffes can lick their own eyes.
6. In China, the bride wears red.
7. Hippo milk is pink.
8. Chickens can suffer from depression.
9. The pupils in goats’ eyes are rectangular.
10. The penguin is the only bird that can’t fly but can swim.
11. Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves.
12. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
13. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
14. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896, Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
15. The brain operates on the same amount of power as 10-watt light bulb.
16. Turkeys have heart attacks. When the Air Force was conducting test runs and breaking the sound barrier, fields of turkeys would drop dead.
17. Most robberies occur on Tuesdays.
18. Some whales commit suicide.
19. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they’re still sitting on it.
20. Coca-Cola was originally green.
21. More than 90% of shark attack victims survive.
22. A right whale’s testicle can weigh up to 500kg. The largest of any animal.
23. If a man with normal vision and a color-blind woman have children, the daughters will have normal vision and the sons will be color-blind.
24. No butts about it: Nissan has invented an artificial butt to test car seats.
25. Ants always fall to the right when drunk.

An Englishman having breakfast in Paris

An Englishman is having breakfast, in
Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a
Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits
down next to him.

The Englishman ignores the Frenchman
who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the
whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge
bubble) "We don't. In France, we only
eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into
croissants and sell them to England."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat
jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum
between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam, and sell the jam to
England."

After a moment of silence, The
Englishman then asks: "Do you have
sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he
says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with
the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of
course."

Englishman: "We don't. In England, we
put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into bubble-gum, and
sell them to France."

Otieno and his three girlfriends

Otieno had three
girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he
decides to give each one KES 500k
and see how each of them
... spends it.
The first one, Njeri goes out and gets a
total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new
hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the
works, and tells Otieno, "I spent
the money so I could look pretty
for you because I love you so
much."
The second one,Akinyi, went out and
bought new ipad2, a 42' Plasma Television, and a stereo
and gives them to Otieno. She
says, "I bought these gifts for you
with the money because I love
you so much."
The third one, Wangeci takes the KES 500k and
invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns
the KES 500k to Otieno and
reinvests the rest. She says,"I am
investing the rest of the money for
our future because I love you so
much."
Otieno thought long and hard
about how each of the women
spent the money and decided to
marry
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Njeri, the one who was looking Sexy
Moral- Men will be Men

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

KIBAKI: ni pumbafu tu...ona sasa inavuka barabara pekee yake, si itagongwa na gari?..useless

BARAZA: where’s my gun?

UHURU: i own that chicken..i also own that road

MURUGI: ikigongwa na toa nguo zote

KALONZO: imevuka side ya left? ..ama side ya right?..

RUTO: that is not true...it only happens in the movies, ThIS is strange to me.. .

ATWOLI: strike, strike uuuuiiii!

RAILA: anafanya nyef nyef!

 SONKO: mzeiya.. .hiyo si kuku..hiyo ni dush... za gotea hiyo story

JULIE GICHURU: Who owns that chicken.......??

 ALFRED MUTUA ...the govt has confirmed reports that there were no chickens crossing the road...

 BONOKO DE:.... Hiyo sio kuku....ilikuwa ina taka kuchomewa pare ngara na omondi...sasa ndio baraza   akakuja na kuipiga risasi halafu akaikelea bonoko....sio kuku..

 JIMMY GATHU.. so ata baada ya mazungumzo kuhusu kuku kuvuka barabara...bado hujaacha mipango ya kudanganya wakenya!

 MOI: ....Kuku gani...kuku ninayojua tu ni ya Ganu...hao wegine ni vifaranga!

 SANG ARAP:.... Pliz pliz nawaomba muuze iyo kuku nipate fare ya hague ..pliz ishikeni..

 ALSHABAAB DUDE: ...*spits a mighty kikohozi*...Bahari gani ya kuku nasema inavuka barabara....mimi naona magureneti ya TFG na kenya army too...abana ona kuku hapa...

 ATWOLI .....wooooi shindwe shetani...kuku barabarani...foolish...matatu zote zina strike kutoka kesho...!

 ONGERI ....This hens or as u cal them chickens ..have perfected their methods of crossing roads..they use slippers...

Tea-Bag Buju.....  wat! This is my post unatumia....u shuld learn to know people...*mapua pincher*

Do i look like???

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and
his wife says,
.
.

"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of
the pipes was leaking, could you re-paint the wall?"
The husband says,
"What do I look like, Mr. Peter Marangi"
.
.
A few days go by, and he comes home from work
and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start.
I think it needs a new battery. Could you change
it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Chloride?"
.
.
.Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says,
"Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Mr.Galsheet?"
.
.
.
The next day the husband comes home, and
the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a
handyman come in and fix them," she says.
.
.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either
baked him a bread or slept with him."
.
.
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the
husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Mr. Supaloaf?"

Debt Crisis at Central Kenya Ends

It is the month of Jan 2012, @ Central Kenya.

It is raining, and the town looks totally deserted. It is tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays 3 notes of KES.1000/= on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the KES. 3000/=

and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the KES. 3000/=, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the KES. 3000/=, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of feed and fuel.
The supplier of the feed and fuel takes the

KES. 3000/= and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her 'services' on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the KES. 3000/= to the hotel
proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the KES. 3000/=back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his KES. 3000/=, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves Nyeri town.

No one earned anything, however, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly how the world is doing business and barely surviving today!

The Blind and the menu

A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll havemeatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.

The blind man eats and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath,the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in she going to test him.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your pussy before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!"

getting too smart can get you screwed!!!

wife was sure that the husband was having sex with the maid,
so she laid a trap.
1 evening she sent the maid home 4 a weekend and didn't tell the husband.
that nght when thy wen to bed,
the husband gave da same old story."excuse me dear,my stomach is aching n went to de loo".
the wife promptly went into da maids bed.

she switched the lights off.
he came in silently, wasted no time and they started sexin.
when he finished,tha wife said - u didnt expect me in this bed,did u..?
n switched on the light.

no madam said the watchman.

.!moral of the story..sometyms getting too smart can get you screwed!!!