JUST FOR FUN.........
KIKUYU WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. - Uwongo. First date they want to know who your father is, if he has a ‘mugunda’ and if your mother drives a pick-up. They are not into dinners.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner and maybe buy wine online within Nairobi for them –This happens after date Number three when she has verified the chooms. She will have given you sex on date two, and this date is to ANNOUNCE TO YOU that you are getting married soon. Meanwhile you are outnumbered by six Kuyos to one. Her uncle suddenly surfaces and you are suddenly being referred to as ‘Muthoniwa’.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you! - only if you run as fast as you can. Kama una chapaa, umeshikwa Ngwee.
LUO WOMAN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Haiwezekani. Hata busu hutapata. You will buy whisky online from Dial A Drink Kenya na kama hauna visha (VISA) card ya kulipa, you will not see her again. If she is not dropped home in a taxi, you will not see her again. If you get drunk and leer at the opposition- you will never see her again. If you suggest that you want to keep her handbag for her as she goes to the loo (Kisiis do this) you will never see her again.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. – She will come with ‘mai kasin sista’ to check you out. If you are not dressed as she had sold you to the clan – they will go to the loo and disappear and leave you there. If you cannot speak ‘ingliss with an akshent mar Britiss’ you will never see her again. If her cousin does not approve of you on this date you are done. You will not get to hold her hand wacha a KISH .
Sixth Date: She will agree to come to ‘that your house’. If it is a servant’s quarter in Upper Hill, hauna bahati. Utalala fofofo bila kitu. Those strong legs can hold against any attempts. Kama uko na house somewhere in Buru with a mushik shystem with Franco’s music na unajua foreplay means having some Amarula in the house ama ucall Dial A Drink Kenya wakuletee hadi kwa hao, utawai.
Tenth Date: She will have moved in, panty and bra at a time.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Uwongo, by this time when you want she says, ‘Dhi tug kucha, ok an nyathi wadu’. (Nenda ucheze huko mimi sio mtoto mwenzako.)
LUHYA WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. She keeps giggling and saying, “Baane, you ara spenting’I so much money. We would have drung dee ati our place, wooie”.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her mom makes Ugali and Ingokho. Uwongo, not so fast. Her brothers will have smoozed you for drinks for a three month period calling you ‘shemechi’. They will have invited ou for a binge at Nairobi West Jeans par after footpol and drunk all our chapaa. You will discover all well known Luhyas are her cousins etc.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3 carat ring. – Tena, if it is not there, you might not get released from the Full Nelson you will find ourself in.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex. She is saved, secretary of your children’s school PTA, tresurer of the local church of God, knits sweaters, drinks copious amounts of dee, has developed a pot and her hair is permanently in curly kit. She suddenly espouses celibacy or feigns frigidity. She begins to call you, ‘Daddy’.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. A small kuyo girl who constantly calls you by your Rugby nickname of twenty years ago and can accept to be had in a lodging.
MERU WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.
SOMALI WOMAN:
First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all your assets. Uwongo. You ensure that your passport is valid.
Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along.
Third Date: She claims she’s a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.
Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You’re rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.
KAMBA WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Guiness, have sex in the back of her car. She gets you in trouble with all the screaming, ‘Asiiiiii, mai ngod, nget seliousiiiii, you harra ndoing hit so hand. Ndonti stoooop. Haki a ngai!
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Machakos. Her younger sister is looking at you suggestively.
KISII WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.
KALENJIN WOMAN:
First Date: You get to kiss her goodnight. She tells you that Moi is her uncle, Kipkulei is her cousin, Biwott is her godfather and Ziporrah Kitonni is her aunt and that if you dog her the special branch will have your balls.
Second Date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third Date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. She lets you check if the spellings of your family name on the wedding card has been spelt correctly.
MAASAI WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second Date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third Date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First Date: Meet her parents.
Second Date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third Date: Wedding night.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/MadPeople-on-FB/201349399897917
No comments:
Post a Comment